Beyond the Hustle: Practical Systems for an Intentional Life
You built House of Wise during the pandemic while homeschooling three kids as a single mom. When did you first realize you were letting parts of yourself disappear in the name of "hustle culture"?
It was actually even before that. It was a typical day in my life as a mom of 3 under 5, leading a team of 50 in NYC. I got up, dropped the oldest at preschool, grabbed my coffee and headed to work all day where I ping-ponged between meetings to push the roadmap forward and then pumping in the closet turned lactation room.
I left work at 4pm so I could spend time with my baby before they go to bed early.
After bathing the babies and getting my 5 and 3 year old to bed, I nursed and rocked my baby to sleep.
I took out my phone and wrote the words “You. Can. Have. It. All.”
And it was the first time I really saw the internal struggle of the word YOU.
- The mom inside of me didn’t want to leave my babies every day.
- The executive inside of me didn’t want to leave my meetings early to pump.
- The fun, socialite inside of me wanted to be touched by something other than these little hands.
- And the explorer inside of me wanted freedom to travel the world.
That’s the origin of character theory. The idea that we all have competing characters inside of us - vying for screen time in the movie of our life. Hustle isn’t inherently bad. But when you are unintentionally squeezing out all other parts of you? That’s the onramp to burnout.
The Cast of Characters: Your roundtable is about the 10 characters within us all vying for screen time. Walk me through your own cast. Which character had been running the show for too long, and which one had you completely written out?
I’ve coached or managed hundreds of women in my career and I started character theory with what I call the Big 3: the CEO, the Caregiver and the Partner.
Most ambitious women prioritize those 3 characters: to have career, to take care of those they love (whether it’s children or not) and to build a partnership with someone.
But then I started to categorize the needs states or areas where people felt depleted or harder to access or were desiring:
- fun
- novelty
- pleasure
- health
- connection
These areas of depletion became the origin of the other characters:
- The Soloist
- The Goddess
- The Lazy Girl
- The Socialite
- The Creative
- The Explorer
In a typical week in my life, the big 3 are most present. But I make it a point to inject a supporting character, one that meets my other needs, into my rhythm.
Rewriting the Script: You left NYC and found love again in Miami. What did it actually take to give the other parts of yourself more screen time? How did you start directing your own story?
I started looking at my life in a similar way as how I looked at companies. In a company you have a north star vision - but then you give each department goals and tactics to meet their KPIs - which ultimately ladder up to the vision. In life we are taught to find alignment. You may start with “I want to live a balanced / present life”. That’s your north star goal. But how you do that will be left to the cast of characters living inside of you, meeting your various (and sometimes competing) needs.
Tactically I started to build spin cycles into my life. Spin cycles are intentional moments where you wring out the heaviness of the previous cycle. If I’m pushing hard in work towards a goal, I have a checkpoint. A week or long weekend where I intentionally assess where I’m depleting my needs and which characters need screen time. I write about several exercises in the book to help someone run their own spin cycles.
The Pursuit: What are you in pursuit of right now? When all your characters are getting their moment to shine, what does that look like day-to-day?
I am in the pursuit of levity and fun right now. Fun with my family. Fun with my career. Fun with my life. The world is really intense right now and I know it’s important to stay informed and do our part while also trying to show up for those around us and I need to find ventilation for that intensity in my life. I’m brainstorming new hobbies to try by myself, with my partner and with my kids. I’m pursuing compartmentalization so I can access the softness or sexiness that can be harder to find when we harden to face the world around us. In the day to day I make sure I have time for myself (usually a workout + sauna session), time with my kids (usually a game of Happy Salmon in between dinner and bedtime), time with my partner (making sure we disconnect from our roles as roommates and co-parents and can laugh/dream/play ourselves). A typical day in my life has built in transitions to allow for those and it looks like this:
5-7am: Coffee + Deep Work time
7-8am: Get kids ready for school / camp
8-11: Movement + sauna + shower and get ready for the day + eat
11-3pm: Meetings
3pm: Commute bath to “turn back into a mommy”
4-7pm: Kid time
7-9pm: Time with my partner
9pm: Sleep
Beyond the Hustle: How do you help other ambitious women see that success doesn't have to mean sacrificing entire parts of themselves? What shifted when you stopped glorifying the hustle?
In a world telling you to optimize every routine, macro and breath….I’m here simply refocusing on what “enough” is. I recently wrote about the MVD: minimally viable day. If you can’t get an A for a character in that day, what does a B, C or even a D look like? If you don’t feel sexual, could a C+ look like a longer kiss and hug? If you don’t feel like being a mom that night, could a D+ look like Uber Eats + Bluey? If you don’t feel like being social that day, does a B- look like a voice note to a friend that you love?
We hold ourselves to unrealistic standards and expectations and I’m hoping to help ambitious women alleviate that tension and appreciate their enoughness.
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